


macdennis robs a bank

by Anonymous



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Bank Robbery, Hand Jobs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-23 16:56:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19705570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: yeah





	macdennis robs a bank

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for coming! i hope you hate it too

"it's a good deed, bro," dennis said to mac, his hands gripped to the steering wheel. "what's better than gracing a young lady with my own child? it's like jesus and that mary girl- i wouldn't even have to meet them."

"it's really not like that at all," mac said. he dipped a fry into his milkshake which made dennis vomit a little in his mouth. "nobody ever fucked her. that's why she's _virgin_ mary."

"you're boring. anyways, the bank is on the right, keep your eyes peeled."

* * *

the sperm bank was cold, and a gross mashed potato color adorned the walls in a very unhospital-like fashion. dennis acquainted himself with one of the pamphlets, and mac sat beside him, agitated at dennis.

"holy shit!" dennis exclaimed to no one. mac gave him an undivided attention. "mac, did you know that my sperm'll be potent for 50 years after they freeze it? i could be an old fucking man, or even dead, and some chick could be having my fucking kids." dennis stared at mac, wide eyed. mac rolled his eyes.

"dennis, that's to say that there's enough sperm in your baby balls to survive you for fifty fucking years." 

"excuse me for never calculating the _potency_ or _circumference_ of my balls, mac! and don't try to say you haven't, because i remember in sixth grade you and charlie went behind the fucking bleachers with a calculator and a yard stick, and got suspended for three days."

"because he _hit me with the yard stick!_ do you really think we were helping each other see how big our sacks are?"

"you guys were so fucking weird, how could i not think that-" dennis was swiftly shut up by the nurse tapping her acrylics on the front desk.

"dennis reynolds, we may see you now." she interrupted. he rose from his chair, smiling with innocence, before turning to mac.

"we'll continue this discussion later- stay right-fucking-here," he said in a hushed tone.

"your _friend_ can come with you, if you'd like," she added. before dennis could speak, mac stood from his chair.

"i'll come!" mac said brightly. "as moral support," he added.

dennis tried to mask his frustration. "as moral support," he mocked.

* * *

mac perched himself on a bench in the hallway, with dennis behind a locked door. he played candy crush on his phone until he grew bored- bored of the game, of the shit colored walls and hallway, and of dennis's fucking monkey business. he nearly zoned out when dennis unlocked the door, and poked his head out.

"mac, could you please come in here?" he said, humiliation in his voice.

rising from the uncomfortable bench, he awkwardly entered the room. a cheap TV played porn, and nude magazines littered the floor- clearly, nothing was working with dennis. before he could get hold of the situation with the room, he realized dennis's dick was out.

"okay, you're going to think this is gay, but it's with a _medical purpose_ , so technically, it isn't gay. but- and no, i'm not gay- could you please help me nut out enough for this little jar? it's so little, it's like you didn't do anything, the jar, i mean." dennis said, jar in one hand, dick in the other.

mac, who still felt whiplash from the raw emotional impact of dennis's dick, had trouble bringing words to mind. "well, ah, maybe, you're just nervous because there's nobody around and you don't have anything to think about, like, on impromptu. maybe now that i'm here, like, you won't be as nervous because i'm your bro." something about dennis's baby carrot made mac speak like a valley girl.

"mac, just grab my fucking dick, dude." dennis refused to be coy any longer.

with greater care than horton and the whos, mac stroked dennis's cock with homegrown kindness. if there was a soundtrack for the moment it would be like totos africa or something. three minutes later dennis camed and shidded and farded in the jar and mac thought 'wow he camed so fucking fast'.

"dennis," mac said, still catching his breath. "wanna know what would be funny as fuck?"

"what?"

"if i cum in the jar, that would make like, a hybrid baby, and nobody would ever know who his dad was." his laugh was immature and raspy, which dennis's replicated.

"mac, you have to whip your dick out right now," he said through breathless laughs.

* * *

later that night, mac and dennis sat in the bar with the gang, clowning with one another. dennis regaled to them his sperm bank story, subtracting any gay detail. after all, dennis was very straight.

"and mac was hanging out in the lobby the whole time?" dee asked.

"yep! while i decided to change a young woman's life for the better, mac was, and is, gay." dennis bullied.

"fuck you, dude," mac laughed. "anyway, what are you going to do if she's ugly, or something?" he added, striking a nerve in dennis.

"she won't be. they don't offer service to ugly girls- see the sign?" dennis gesticulated to the sign at the end of the bar, reading 'we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone'.

"dennis, they don't turn away ugly girls. they just help girls get pregnant at the sperm bank. _any_ girl." frank condescended, taking dennis aside.

dennis wasn't laughing anymore.

* * *

it was half to two in the morning when dennis called mac.

"hey man, what's up?" mac said coolly, hoping that he had called so as to rekindle something. 

"what if those people use my sperm on an ugly girl? _our_ sperm?" the fear in dennis's voice was grossly misogynistic, yet not out of character for him.

"dennis, go to sleep."

"no, come outside."

"why?"

"i'm waiting for you outside, i'm gonna go get our sperms back."

mac could hear dennis's voice both in the phone and from his open window.

"you can't get the sperm back."

"well, i'm gonna."

**Author's Note:**

> yes theyre robbing the sperm bank


End file.
